Wednesday, July 13, 2011

My day in court

So I was a little nervous and tearful, emotional having to take the stand for my children. I wanted to run and hide I knew exactly what he would say and I lost hands down. I did have the chance to leave but when I felt that there was a glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe my story would be heard and someone would believe me that depression wasn't a burden and doesn't contribute to be detrimental to my being without them has contributed to my rock bottom I didn't have depression until they were taken from me....until I was excluded from their lives. Up until the point they were gone I had actively participated in their lives joined playcentre, preschool, anything that I thought would benefit their transition in to school and other things I decided to enrol them in. But I really hit rockbottom went a bit crazy, did some dumb things and came up with a few convictions btw convict doesn't sit with me too well it is what it is though. I admit my mistakes and I've made a few but with every wrong thing I've done I've also done a ton of good. The old me was selfless, outgoing, loved unconditionally nowadays there is a condition on everything just from the mistakes I've made, the lessons I've learnt like that you can't trust everyone. In hindsight I loved as if my heart could never be broken and then when my heart was finally broken I was stunned, shattered everything around got dark and fell down around me real quick. The interest in life I use to have no longer existed everything became a chore even the way I treated men had become so horrific that even making love and having a connection with one person was a mission. My perception of men has changed this is the thing though I am optimistic that I will love again I know its out there.